My Barrier is My Anxiety

I write because it empowers me. It makes me feel like I'm in control of something, even if it's just a little something that in the grand scheme of things really doesn't matter. What's important is that it matters to me.

This past week has been absolutely terrible for me. The anxiety that I have alluded to in previous posts started to spin out of control around Tuesday and Wednesday and lately, it feels like I'm entering the early stages of depression more than anything else. I've never had depression before so I'm not sure what it feels like, but I'm pretty sure it feels something like this. Of course, I don't know; I'm not psychologist. I'm scared because I feel so helpless and lonely, even when I'm around others. I started going to counseling sessions this week, which did help and I've been trying to confide in as many people as possible about my mental issues. Ultimately, I know that I have to live with myself and I can't always depend on other people, but luckily I have a good support system of friends and allies that I know I can count on in this really difficult time. I honestly think that one of the reasons it has gotten so bad is because I've been bottling all these terrible feelings up and acting like nothing is wrong with me when really there is. Having anxiety is really terrible; I have found that people who don't have it, don't really understand what it is all about. I've had friends tell me to just think happy thoughts and everything will get better. They mean well when they tell me this but they don't understand that happiness isn't that easy to achieve with anxiety; it's something one really has to work towards. It can be exhausting and even seem unrealistic to achieve happiness when one is suffering from anxiety or depression.

Right now I do feel like I'll be stuck in this rut forever. Of course it's only a rut, but it doesn't seem like that at the moment. Hopefully counseling will help and perhaps I'll need to try some medication to further help me out. I wish life was easier than this but unfortunately, it isn't. Everyone experiences barriers in some way or another; my barrier is my anxiety and I don't want to keep that bottled up anymore. I am aware that this is a mental illness that needs to be taken care of and I am trying my best to do just that. It's so hard but I know that conquering my anxiety in one way or another will lead me to a better and healthier life.

Wish me luck.