A few weeks ago, when I was dipping into the extreme state of anxiety that I discussed in my last post, an old friend who lived on my freshman floor and who also happens to be a photographer wrote on my facebook wall; she asked me if she could do a photo shoot with me sometime soon. She had no idea what that meant to me at that time but, as I was feeling so cold and lonely in my anxious state, the simple fact that she thought of me made a world of difference for me. I had done photo shoots with her before since as we lived on the same floor freshman year, she occasionally would ask to take pictures of me for fun, and I was super excited at the prospect of another photo shoot with her. This time, the pictures were needed for a Directed Study that she currently is working on, but it still brightened my spirits, if only a little, to know that she had thought of me. Last Thursday, we got together and did a quick photo shoot around campus. It was a surprisingly warm day for February in Minnesota and it was perfect for a photo shoot (even though it was still too cold for me to trapeze around without a coat on for too long). I had a fantastic time - I forgot how much I enjoyed spending time with her since we rarely see each other anymore. The pictures themselves turned out beautiful and furthermore, seeing them meant something more to me as I felt that they ended up reflecting the pain I had been feeling inside while struggling with my anxiety. Of course, Nina had no knowledge of the fact that my mental health had been in jeopardy as she carefully chose and edited the pictures for the final product; however, they were still very symbolic to me and I think seeing them helped me in the healing process - although they were just staged photo and I actually had a ton of fun during the photo shoot, those images really resonated with me and led me to want to strive for further mental stability.
http://ninafrancine.com/2014/02/20/letting-history-influence-now/
Above is the link to the pictures Nina took, in the event that you are interested in seeing them after I discussed them so extensively (this is also a shameless plug for Nina Francine Photography, as she does fantastic work and I want to support her business as much as I can).
Since my last post, I have been doing much better. It still isn't entirely easy as I am still working towards a healthier me. Counseling and simply talking about it with friends and family that I know I can trust has helped a lot. I am learning to accept and control my anxiety, as difficult as it sometimes can be. I have good days and not so good days (I'm refraining from using "bad" because I know what bad feels like - bad was how I felt at the time of my last post and since then, I have not reached a feeling of such hopelessness). On my "not so good days" I find that I have an internal battle inside my head between my anxiety - which crops up to tell me my life is miserable in one way or another - and the part of me that is striving to be healthy. When I have an anxious thought, that healthy-driven part of me yells at my anxiety and tells it be quiet. It may seem rather silly to anyone who doesn't suffer from anxiety, but it does work. I know that I am coping with my anxiety and working towards a healthier me because when I was at my worst, I just let the unhealthy thoughts overtake me. Now it can barely have a say before the healthy me butts in and puts it down.
Last weekend was a great help because it was interview weekend for the new CA applicants. Though it was super tiring and I barely got anything in terms of homework done, I needed a little something different from the same old, same old, and it kept my mind off of my anxiety because I was continuously busy. Now the 2014-2015 CA staff has been selected and letters went out today notifying everyone of whether or not they got the job. I'm extremely excited for next year, as I think we picked a really strong group of individuals for the overall staff, and I have a really good feeling about my particular staff. Of course, I don't know yet if everyone has accepted their position yet, but I sure hope they do! If not, we also have a strong pool of alternates to choose from.
Midterms are coming up the next week and the week after that is spring break! My birthday is also coming up soon, which I'm super excited for. I'll be 21, so that's kind of a big deal. With school, CA responsibilities and my routine work out schedule, I'm confidant that my anxiety wont overcome me. Keeping busy is the best way to keep my mind of my anxiety; when I become drained from constantly working, I can take my alone time without fear of falling into an anxious state because I know I'll feel accomplished.
This road to conquering my anxiety wont always be easy, but I'm confidant I can do it. There is so much in store for me in the future and I refuse to give up now!
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