A few weeks ago, when I was dipping into the extreme state of anxiety that I discussed in my last post, an old friend who lived on my freshman floor and who also happens to be a photographer wrote on my facebook wall; she asked me if she could do a photo shoot with me sometime soon. She had no idea what that meant to me at that time but, as I was feeling so cold and lonely in my anxious state, the simple fact that she thought of me made a world of difference for me. I had done photo shoots with her before since as we lived on the same floor freshman year, she occasionally would ask to take pictures of me for fun, and I was super excited at the prospect of another photo shoot with her. This time, the pictures were needed for a Directed Study that she currently is working on, but it still brightened my spirits, if only a little, to know that she had thought of me. Last Thursday, we got together and did a quick photo shoot around campus. It was a surprisingly warm day for February in Minnesota and it was perfect for a photo shoot (even though it was still too cold for me to trapeze around without a coat on for too long). I had a fantastic time - I forgot how much I enjoyed spending time with her since we rarely see each other anymore. The pictures themselves turned out beautiful and furthermore, seeing them meant something more to me as I felt that they ended up reflecting the pain I had been feeling inside while struggling with my anxiety. Of course, Nina had no knowledge of the fact that my mental health had been in jeopardy as she carefully chose and edited the pictures for the final product; however, they were still very symbolic to me and I think seeing them helped me in the healing process - although they were just staged photo and I actually had a ton of fun during the photo shoot, those images really resonated with me and led me to want to strive for further mental stability.
http://ninafrancine.com/2014/02/20/letting-history-influence-now/
Above is the link to the pictures Nina took, in the event that you are interested in seeing them after I discussed them so extensively (this is also a shameless plug for Nina Francine Photography, as she does fantastic work and I want to support her business as much as I can).
Since my last post, I have been doing much better. It still isn't entirely easy as I am still working towards a healthier me. Counseling and simply talking about it with friends and family that I know I can trust has helped a lot. I am learning to accept and control my anxiety, as difficult as it sometimes can be. I have good days and not so good days (I'm refraining from using "bad" because I know what bad feels like - bad was how I felt at the time of my last post and since then, I have not reached a feeling of such hopelessness). On my "not so good days" I find that I have an internal battle inside my head between my anxiety - which crops up to tell me my life is miserable in one way or another - and the part of me that is striving to be healthy. When I have an anxious thought, that healthy-driven part of me yells at my anxiety and tells it be quiet. It may seem rather silly to anyone who doesn't suffer from anxiety, but it does work. I know that I am coping with my anxiety and working towards a healthier me because when I was at my worst, I just let the unhealthy thoughts overtake me. Now it can barely have a say before the healthy me butts in and puts it down.
Last weekend was a great help because it was interview weekend for the new CA applicants. Though it was super tiring and I barely got anything in terms of homework done, I needed a little something different from the same old, same old, and it kept my mind off of my anxiety because I was continuously busy. Now the 2014-2015 CA staff has been selected and letters went out today notifying everyone of whether or not they got the job. I'm extremely excited for next year, as I think we picked a really strong group of individuals for the overall staff, and I have a really good feeling about my particular staff. Of course, I don't know yet if everyone has accepted their position yet, but I sure hope they do! If not, we also have a strong pool of alternates to choose from.
Midterms are coming up the next week and the week after that is spring break! My birthday is also coming up soon, which I'm super excited for. I'll be 21, so that's kind of a big deal. With school, CA responsibilities and my routine work out schedule, I'm confidant that my anxiety wont overcome me. Keeping busy is the best way to keep my mind of my anxiety; when I become drained from constantly working, I can take my alone time without fear of falling into an anxious state because I know I'll feel accomplished.
This road to conquering my anxiety wont always be easy, but I'm confidant I can do it. There is so much in store for me in the future and I refuse to give up now!
Friday, February 28, 2014
Saturday, February 15, 2014
My Barrier is My Anxiety
I write because it empowers me. It makes me feel like I'm in control of something, even if it's just a little something that in the grand scheme of things really doesn't matter. What's important is that it matters to me.
This past week has been absolutely terrible for me. The anxiety that I have alluded to in previous posts started to spin out of control around Tuesday and Wednesday and lately, it feels like I'm entering the early stages of depression more than anything else. I've never had depression before so I'm not sure what it feels like, but I'm pretty sure it feels something like this. Of course, I don't know; I'm not psychologist. I'm scared because I feel so helpless and lonely, even when I'm around others. I started going to counseling sessions this week, which did help and I've been trying to confide in as many people as possible about my mental issues. Ultimately, I know that I have to live with myself and I can't always depend on other people, but luckily I have a good support system of friends and allies that I know I can count on in this really difficult time. I honestly think that one of the reasons it has gotten so bad is because I've been bottling all these terrible feelings up and acting like nothing is wrong with me when really there is. Having anxiety is really terrible; I have found that people who don't have it, don't really understand what it is all about. I've had friends tell me to just think happy thoughts and everything will get better. They mean well when they tell me this but they don't understand that happiness isn't that easy to achieve with anxiety; it's something one really has to work towards. It can be exhausting and even seem unrealistic to achieve happiness when one is suffering from anxiety or depression.
Right now I do feel like I'll be stuck in this rut forever. Of course it's only a rut, but it doesn't seem like that at the moment. Hopefully counseling will help and perhaps I'll need to try some medication to further help me out. I wish life was easier than this but unfortunately, it isn't. Everyone experiences barriers in some way or another; my barrier is my anxiety and I don't want to keep that bottled up anymore. I am aware that this is a mental illness that needs to be taken care of and I am trying my best to do just that. It's so hard but I know that conquering my anxiety in one way or another will lead me to a better and healthier life.
Wish me luck.
This past week has been absolutely terrible for me. The anxiety that I have alluded to in previous posts started to spin out of control around Tuesday and Wednesday and lately, it feels like I'm entering the early stages of depression more than anything else. I've never had depression before so I'm not sure what it feels like, but I'm pretty sure it feels something like this. Of course, I don't know; I'm not psychologist. I'm scared because I feel so helpless and lonely, even when I'm around others. I started going to counseling sessions this week, which did help and I've been trying to confide in as many people as possible about my mental issues. Ultimately, I know that I have to live with myself and I can't always depend on other people, but luckily I have a good support system of friends and allies that I know I can count on in this really difficult time. I honestly think that one of the reasons it has gotten so bad is because I've been bottling all these terrible feelings up and acting like nothing is wrong with me when really there is. Having anxiety is really terrible; I have found that people who don't have it, don't really understand what it is all about. I've had friends tell me to just think happy thoughts and everything will get better. They mean well when they tell me this but they don't understand that happiness isn't that easy to achieve with anxiety; it's something one really has to work towards. It can be exhausting and even seem unrealistic to achieve happiness when one is suffering from anxiety or depression.
Right now I do feel like I'll be stuck in this rut forever. Of course it's only a rut, but it doesn't seem like that at the moment. Hopefully counseling will help and perhaps I'll need to try some medication to further help me out. I wish life was easier than this but unfortunately, it isn't. Everyone experiences barriers in some way or another; my barrier is my anxiety and I don't want to keep that bottled up anymore. I am aware that this is a mental illness that needs to be taken care of and I am trying my best to do just that. It's so hard but I know that conquering my anxiety in one way or another will lead me to a better and healthier life.
Wish me luck.
Friday, February 7, 2014
Let's Talk About Body Image
So, I'm not usually one to state my opinions in public spaces because I don't think it's necessary for the whole world to know what I believe. However, I'm making an exception for this post. Today, this image showed up on my facebook newsfeed:
Now let me just say, I think the tone of the words in the above image is very harsh. While I do agree with the statement, I don't like the way it is said. So, my goal here is to say what I took away from this image in an honest and respectful manner.
When I saw this image, I immediately started thinking about all the times people have commented on how skinny I am and how much I despise and am hurt by those comments. I'm by no means tall - I'm 5 foot 2 inches - and I weigh a little over 100 pounds; I've always been small, always, regardless of how much I eat or work out. Yet, people still comment on my weight, as if there's nothing wrong with that. Society has deemed it taboo to comment on the weight of someone who is bigger because it is insulting, which I wholeheartedly agree with; however, for some reason, people think it is completely appropriate to comment on the weight of a thin person to their face.
To heighten this issue, recently, girls who would be considered bigger by society's standards are fighting back; rather than associating themselves with negative adjectives such as "fat" or "big," they have instead embraced positive words to describes themselves, particularly by using the word "curvy." I think this is great and I fully support these girls in their endeavor to point out that you don't need to be thin to live a healthy and fulfilled life. However, in this campaign to quote on quote embrace people of all shapes and sizes, it seems that in reality, the opposite is happening: in many ways, thin people are being targeted as the unhealthy members of society. Now, I know this is in part because the media places so much emphasis on the female body image as sickeningly thin - real girls simply don't look like the people you see on TV and in magazines. I agree that these portrayals of women have a terrible influence on women of all ages. However, in placing this positive emphasis on curvy women while putting a negative emphasis on the thinner women that the media bombards us with, I firmly believe that a gross dichotomy has emerged.
The above image, which I've seen multiple times on Pinterest and across the internet, clearly represents this dichotomy. A thin girl like me has the potential to look at this picture and think, "I look more like the girls on the top than on the bottom - I don't have curves, I'm just thin - is there something wrong with me?" Let me just say, this meme, which has the potential to hurt a thinner girl's body image, is extremely misleading. While the women in the top images are clearly shown in full figure to accentuate their skinniness, the only woman at the bottom of the meme who is shown in full figure without an arm or a leg covering her up, is Marilyn Monroe. Also, the images of the women at the bottom are obviously professional shots that were meant to make them look glamorous while all the images on the top of the meme appear to me to be taken by paparazzi, who always seem to make the celebrities they snap photos of look as if they're at their absolute worst. Furthermore, none of these images describe a societal norm. The women at the top of the meme are obviously thin, but that's because they are Hollywood stars who are constantly under pressure to become and stay thin, just as the women at the bottom are curvier because that is what Hollywood was looking for at the time they were in the limelight. Lastly, it is wrong to assume that the super thin ideal at the top has become "hotter" than the curvier ideal at the bottom; this meme is a testimony to the fact that these are only ideals and that ideals change over time. I think this next meme, which is below and to the right, sums up my point quite nicely.
The whole idea of "this being hotter than this" is ludicrous. As times change, images of the ideal change. Just because the media portrayed women as being curvier sixty years ago doesn't mean that thin girls were nonexistent. It's the same today, though reversed, and it will be the same in another sixty years. That is why we, as a people within this society, need to stay away from the dichotomy of "thin" vs "curvy" because the reality is that there have always been and will always be different body types regardless of the ideal that emerges. Furthermore, I think the age we're living in is really great for expressing these differences. Women today are taking pride in their shape instead of trying to cover it up with corsets or fad diets. Let's celebrate each other, not bring each other down with these stupid comparisons because they are so dangerous! Just as it is not okay to go up to a bigger person and call them fat, it is not okay to comment that a thin person is too skinny. It is hurtful all the same. Skinny does not necessarily equate to unhealthy. I know I am thin, but I also know that I eat right and I take care of myself as a healthy person should; please don't tell me to eat a sandwich or a cookie or a hot dog. I will eat what I want to eat when I damn well please and I will finish when I am satisfied. For the record, don't tell any thin person to eat more because although there are plenty of skinny people who are perfectly healthy, it is insulting none-the-less and, there are also people out there who do have eating disorders - telling these individuals to simply "eat a sandwich" is a far cry from helping them to conquer their illness.
Most people know that it's wrong to blatantly tell someone they're fat; guess what, it's also wrong to tell someone they're too thin, even if it is passed off as a joke. Just stop. Right now. It's hard enough to live in this society with the media constantly forcing ideals of how people should look down our throats. Do yourself and the people around you a favor and keep your thoughts about the shape and size of others to yourself. Being healthy is all that really matters.
Now let me just say, I think the tone of the words in the above image is very harsh. While I do agree with the statement, I don't like the way it is said. So, my goal here is to say what I took away from this image in an honest and respectful manner.
When I saw this image, I immediately started thinking about all the times people have commented on how skinny I am and how much I despise and am hurt by those comments. I'm by no means tall - I'm 5 foot 2 inches - and I weigh a little over 100 pounds; I've always been small, always, regardless of how much I eat or work out. Yet, people still comment on my weight, as if there's nothing wrong with that. Society has deemed it taboo to comment on the weight of someone who is bigger because it is insulting, which I wholeheartedly agree with; however, for some reason, people think it is completely appropriate to comment on the weight of a thin person to their face.
To heighten this issue, recently, girls who would be considered bigger by society's standards are fighting back; rather than associating themselves with negative adjectives such as "fat" or "big," they have instead embraced positive words to describes themselves, particularly by using the word "curvy." I think this is great and I fully support these girls in their endeavor to point out that you don't need to be thin to live a healthy and fulfilled life. However, in this campaign to quote on quote embrace people of all shapes and sizes, it seems that in reality, the opposite is happening: in many ways, thin people are being targeted as the unhealthy members of society. Now, I know this is in part because the media places so much emphasis on the female body image as sickeningly thin - real girls simply don't look like the people you see on TV and in magazines. I agree that these portrayals of women have a terrible influence on women of all ages. However, in placing this positive emphasis on curvy women while putting a negative emphasis on the thinner women that the media bombards us with, I firmly believe that a gross dichotomy has emerged.
The above image, which I've seen multiple times on Pinterest and across the internet, clearly represents this dichotomy. A thin girl like me has the potential to look at this picture and think, "I look more like the girls on the top than on the bottom - I don't have curves, I'm just thin - is there something wrong with me?" Let me just say, this meme, which has the potential to hurt a thinner girl's body image, is extremely misleading. While the women in the top images are clearly shown in full figure to accentuate their skinniness, the only woman at the bottom of the meme who is shown in full figure without an arm or a leg covering her up, is Marilyn Monroe. Also, the images of the women at the bottom are obviously professional shots that were meant to make them look glamorous while all the images on the top of the meme appear to me to be taken by paparazzi, who always seem to make the celebrities they snap photos of look as if they're at their absolute worst. Furthermore, none of these images describe a societal norm. The women at the top of the meme are obviously thin, but that's because they are Hollywood stars who are constantly under pressure to become and stay thin, just as the women at the bottom are curvier because that is what Hollywood was looking for at the time they were in the limelight. Lastly, it is wrong to assume that the super thin ideal at the top has become "hotter" than the curvier ideal at the bottom; this meme is a testimony to the fact that these are only ideals and that ideals change over time. I think this next meme, which is below and to the right, sums up my point quite nicely.
 |
| I especially love the dinosaurs |
The whole idea of "this being hotter than this" is ludicrous. As times change, images of the ideal change. Just because the media portrayed women as being curvier sixty years ago doesn't mean that thin girls were nonexistent. It's the same today, though reversed, and it will be the same in another sixty years. That is why we, as a people within this society, need to stay away from the dichotomy of "thin" vs "curvy" because the reality is that there have always been and will always be different body types regardless of the ideal that emerges. Furthermore, I think the age we're living in is really great for expressing these differences. Women today are taking pride in their shape instead of trying to cover it up with corsets or fad diets. Let's celebrate each other, not bring each other down with these stupid comparisons because they are so dangerous! Just as it is not okay to go up to a bigger person and call them fat, it is not okay to comment that a thin person is too skinny. It is hurtful all the same. Skinny does not necessarily equate to unhealthy. I know I am thin, but I also know that I eat right and I take care of myself as a healthy person should; please don't tell me to eat a sandwich or a cookie or a hot dog. I will eat what I want to eat when I damn well please and I will finish when I am satisfied. For the record, don't tell any thin person to eat more because although there are plenty of skinny people who are perfectly healthy, it is insulting none-the-less and, there are also people out there who do have eating disorders - telling these individuals to simply "eat a sandwich" is a far cry from helping them to conquer their illness.
Most people know that it's wrong to blatantly tell someone they're fat; guess what, it's also wrong to tell someone they're too thin, even if it is passed off as a joke. Just stop. Right now. It's hard enough to live in this society with the media constantly forcing ideals of how people should look down our throats. Do yourself and the people around you a favor and keep your thoughts about the shape and size of others to yourself. Being healthy is all that really matters.
Saturday, February 1, 2014
Late Night Blog Sesh
It's been a busy start the the semester! I can't believe it's already February and that Monday begins the fourth week of spring semester! Where is the time going? I've been so busy and times been flying I guess. I only have thirteen credits right now but that hasn't kept me from constantly running around. I will soon have fifteen credits but I have not yet registered for said class yet because it is an independent study course that I need to figure out before I can actually register. I will be doing my Honors Capstone this semester - the senior project required of students who hope to graduate with honors - and I'm still in the process of figuring out what I'd like to work on. Though I'm not graduating until next spring, I am working on my Honors Capstone this semester because I have two majors and therefore will be doing a senior seminar each semester next year to complete those majors. The project is supposed to be interdisciplinary so I'm looking into historical letters to tie my history and English major's together. Because of the terribly crappy weather (this is Minnesota in the winter after all!) and some troubles with communication, I've been unable to get to the museum in town to work on my research but hopefully I'll have it figured out soon! I finally got to the museum today and found some sources that I'm interested to look into in depth. I'm also working on my internship applications for next summer which I'm getting done slowly but surely. I'm applying to some museums as I want to go to graduate school for museum studies and, although I've spent the last three summers working at a small town museum in Iowa, I would love to have experience at a larger museum.
So, I have some kind of exciting news... I'm pleased to say that I was hired as an Assistant Hall Director for this upcoming school year. This is a really rare opportunity for me as most colleges don't have undergraduate hall directors. However, my school is only an undergrad institution so it is much easier to hire undergraduate HD's, and that's what I'm going to be next year. I will be working in a large freshman hall alongside a professional staff member and I'm really excited. I love being a CA but I'm ready to do something a little different next year. Being an Assistant Hall Director is perfect because I'll still be working for the Office of Residential Life, which I really enjoy, but I'll be in a slightly different and more powerful position. We are already planning the hiring process for next year, which the Hall Director's are involved with and I get slightly giddy at the idea of having so much power - I will be interviewing people interested in the position and ultimately will have a say in who will be hired. SO MUCH POWER = SO MUCH FUN! I promise I wont let it go to my head though. I've also been working on planning programming for my floor this semester, which has proven to be quite difficult, because even though it's only the beginning of the semester, everyone is already so busy! It didn't help that I got stranded coming back from an RA conference of all things last weekend. The weather was super bad and the roads were terrible and the group of us that went didn't get back until Monday. Luckily, my one Monday class was canceled that day because the amount of other people who happened to be on University-related trips combined with the amount of people who already live off campus made having class seem rather pointless to my professor. It wasn't too bad being "stranded" though. We stayed in the Twin Cities and ORL (Office of Residential Life) paid for a hotel which just HAPPENED to be in my home town. It also just so happened that there was a birthday party for my grandpa happening that weekend so I got to see some family that I hadn't seen in a while and I got to go home and have a nice home-cooked meal, which I'm certainly not complaining about!
This semester has been off to an okay start. Lately, I've been more anxious than usual so I've had to work extra hard to maintain that. I've been making sure to work out as often as possible because that definitely helps. Classes aren't that bad so far - just a lot of reading for the most part - but I have tons of other things going on! I'm on call this weekend, which isn't too bad. It gives me something to do and I don't have to worry about making plans (which is very stressful as an introvert!) I'm nervous about the internships I'm applying for and post-college life - since I only have two semesters left of my undergraduate career once this one is over! I can hardly believe it... I feel like I just got here! If you happen to be reading this (and you've made it this far) and you will be going to college soon, I suggest that you make the most of it! It goes by so fast!
Well, I should probably go soon. It's getting pretty late and I don't want to stay in bed all day tomorrow, which will inevitably happen if I'm not proactive about getting to bed now! I hate staying in bed all day because then I feel like I've wasted a day, so there you go! That's my late night up date for now.
~Britta
So, I have some kind of exciting news... I'm pleased to say that I was hired as an Assistant Hall Director for this upcoming school year. This is a really rare opportunity for me as most colleges don't have undergraduate hall directors. However, my school is only an undergrad institution so it is much easier to hire undergraduate HD's, and that's what I'm going to be next year. I will be working in a large freshman hall alongside a professional staff member and I'm really excited. I love being a CA but I'm ready to do something a little different next year. Being an Assistant Hall Director is perfect because I'll still be working for the Office of Residential Life, which I really enjoy, but I'll be in a slightly different and more powerful position. We are already planning the hiring process for next year, which the Hall Director's are involved with and I get slightly giddy at the idea of having so much power - I will be interviewing people interested in the position and ultimately will have a say in who will be hired. SO MUCH POWER = SO MUCH FUN! I promise I wont let it go to my head though. I've also been working on planning programming for my floor this semester, which has proven to be quite difficult, because even though it's only the beginning of the semester, everyone is already so busy! It didn't help that I got stranded coming back from an RA conference of all things last weekend. The weather was super bad and the roads were terrible and the group of us that went didn't get back until Monday. Luckily, my one Monday class was canceled that day because the amount of other people who happened to be on University-related trips combined with the amount of people who already live off campus made having class seem rather pointless to my professor. It wasn't too bad being "stranded" though. We stayed in the Twin Cities and ORL (Office of Residential Life) paid for a hotel which just HAPPENED to be in my home town. It also just so happened that there was a birthday party for my grandpa happening that weekend so I got to see some family that I hadn't seen in a while and I got to go home and have a nice home-cooked meal, which I'm certainly not complaining about!
This semester has been off to an okay start. Lately, I've been more anxious than usual so I've had to work extra hard to maintain that. I've been making sure to work out as often as possible because that definitely helps. Classes aren't that bad so far - just a lot of reading for the most part - but I have tons of other things going on! I'm on call this weekend, which isn't too bad. It gives me something to do and I don't have to worry about making plans (which is very stressful as an introvert!) I'm nervous about the internships I'm applying for and post-college life - since I only have two semesters left of my undergraduate career once this one is over! I can hardly believe it... I feel like I just got here! If you happen to be reading this (and you've made it this far) and you will be going to college soon, I suggest that you make the most of it! It goes by so fast!
Well, I should probably go soon. It's getting pretty late and I don't want to stay in bed all day tomorrow, which will inevitably happen if I'm not proactive about getting to bed now! I hate staying in bed all day because then I feel like I've wasted a day, so there you go! That's my late night up date for now.
~Britta
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