Contemplations on My Meaning of Home

What a beautiful evening. Tonight I am writing to you from my floor's balcony, where I sit with sentimental thoughts for one of the last times. If you aren't aware, I have lived in the same residence hall for three years, which is the entirety of my college career so far. I started out here in Indy Hall as an excited and anxious freshman, ready for a new chapter in my life to begin and I am leaving here as a second year CA, soon to be Hall Director, a completely different person from the one I was when I arrived. Yes, I've complained plenty about spending three years in this building. I was slightly disappointed to be placed in Indy as a CA my sophomore year, but I was also really excited and thankful to be chosen for the job, as it is so competitive. Last year, I was more than a little upset when I found out I was placed here for another year. I'm on the other side of the building from where I was the last two years, but I was still disappointed; I love my CA job and I love living on campus - all I really wanted was to experience living in a different building on campus. It is really unheard of for CA's to spend three years in the same building; in fact, this year during the hiring process, it was made sure that returning CA's were all moved to different buildings, so I'm kind of an oddity in that respect.  When I found out I was hired for a Hall Director position in another building this year, I thought, FINALLY! I knew the Prostaff members who were hiring the Hall Directors wouldn't put me in Indy again if I was hired for an HD position, but it just felt so good to see it in ink. I was so vocal about getting out of Indy earlier this year that it probably got really annoying for the people who had to listen to it (sorry friends)!

Despite my incessant talk for the last three years about my need to get out of Indy, recently, I've been feeling quite sad about finally leaving it. This Sunday, I'll be moving out of David C. Johnson Independence Hall for good and I just don't know if I'm ready for that. Indy has been my home away from home for the last three years; although I know it's time to move on and I'm ready to experience another residence hall, I know I will miss Indy a lot. So much of my college experience has happened here. I've cried here, I've laughed here, and I've loved here. I will create a new home in my new hall next year, but it will never hold that special place in my heart that Indy has. Despite my complaining about living here for three years, I've discovered that I've really grown to love this hall. 

I've been thinking about the meaning of home a lot lately, not just in respect to Indy. I've recently come to the conclusion that I don't really have a home. Sure, I have my hometown where I still go to over breaks, but it doesn't really feel like home anymore. I've spent most of the last three years in Morris, where I attend school, and I spent my summers living with my grandparents in Northern Iowa, where I worked at the museum in their town. So, I think it's only natural that the extended amount of time that I've spent away from my actual hometown makes it feel less homey to me. Furthermore, recently my parents have been doing some renovations to the house where I've lived since I was fifteen; I came home over spring break to completely different furniture in the living room and some changes to the basement also. This only furthered the alienation that I had already been starting to feel towards my hometown. I consider Morris my home now, but I know that's only temporary. A year from now, I will be graduating and then where will I go next? Hopefully to graduate school, but who can say if that will work out. I recently was offered and have accepted a summer internship at the National Postal Museum in Washington D.C. While I'm excited for this amazing opportunity, I'm also really anxious. I'm not quite sure where I will be living or who I will be living with. Also, I'm not a fan of cities. There's a reason I go to college in the middle of nowhere and I must confess that I am nervous about living in a city that I've only been to once before (around ten years ago!) when I've always felt more comfortable in more rural areas. 

Recently I was diagnosed with an adjustment disorder. That anxiety and depression I talked extensively about earlier this year? Yup, that was just  my adjustment order manifesting itself. I don't actually have general anxiety or clinical depression, which I was relieved to find out, but I do have a higher tendency to feel anxious or depressed when I'm going through periods of adjustment. It makes complete sense now that I know this - I've always been particularly sensitive to change (At 15, I did NOT take it well when I found out that my family was moving...and we were only moving around the block!) and I have been worried about my future a lot more lately, as I do only have one more year left of my undergraduate studies.  It's funny that, back in September when I started this blog up, I decided to call it "Letting the World Fall Into Place;" my whole life I've just wanted to know where my future will take me, so much so that it got in the way of enjoying the now. Basically the reason I started blogging was because, after my break up, I wanted to spend more time focusing on the here and now and I thought writing could help me with that. One of the big questions I had while going through the break up process was "What now?" My boyfriend had really been my whole life and when I finally realized I couldn't be with him anymore, I broke down - not so much because I wanted to necessarily stay with him, but because I had no idea where to go next. I had this whole life in front of me without him, and I was terrified. Looking back at this moment, I knew then that I had trouble with change, I just didn't know it could be diagnosed as an actual medical issue. That's why I started this blog and that's why I'm still writing here.

So, to go full circle here in my discussion of home, I've been thinking a lot about these last final days in Indy and how to make the most of them. I'm about to say goodbye to the one place in Morris that I've called home. Sure, I can visit it next year, but it wont be the same. Although I'm excited to move to a different hall, I know I'll miss Indy dearly. It has become my home; where will I call home after I leave it? I don't know if I'll be able to call Washington D.C. home, even a temporary home, because I don't know if I'll truly feel comfortable there. I don't know if I'll feel wholly comfortable calling my hall next year home because I associate that word so much with Indy. I don't know where home will be in a few years after I graduate from Morris and that scares me. However, I also know that I shouldn't have to worry about all those "What Ifs" now. While it is difficult for me to not worry about the future, I am going to try my best not to because this life is too short to spend time worrying. I want to let my world fall into place naturally, but I'm going to have to work extra hard to keep my hands off it as it does.