A Not-So-Little Post About Books (and Just a Little Bit of Mad Men)

  Summer time... Ah! For me, this currently means some much needed introvert time between the busyness of the end of the semester and leaving for D.C. in a couple of weeks. This includes reading for fun and binge watching my current TV show of choice, which has been Mad Men for the last few months. After starting the show over winter break and slowly making my way through Season Two in the few moments that I found time to watch an episode during the semester, I finally made it to Season Three a couple of days ago. It's a surprisingly placid time in the life of the Draper family, despite some major life changes. Unfortunately, I've heard enough spoilers from later seasons that I know it wont last forever - and really, if you're at all familiar with the show, how much more placidity can you expect from Don and Betty?  While, enough of Mad Men, anyways. I'm probably boring you, especially if you don't watch the show.

  As an English and History major, I read a lot of books (the reading load for my history courses tends to be much denser than for my English courses, which surprises some people). I like to say that all I do in college is read and write, because it's pretty much true. Where I used to cringe at marking up my precious books with pencils - underlining important phrases and writing in the margins - it's become a pretty standard part of my daily life as a student. At the end of every semester, I always have this moment where, in the midst of beginning my first "book for fun," as I like to call them, I start in on my ritual action of grabbing a pencil or pen before reading, only to realize that I don't have to! I am not reading this book for academics, I am reading this for the pure joy of reading! While I deeply value what I have taken away from close readings and in class discussions of texts, when I'm reading for fun I don't want to think like an English major. Okay, in reality, it becomes exceedingly difficult as a soon to be fourth-year English student to turn my brain, which has been so wired in my undergraduate career to analyze and critique texts, off; however, when I'm reading for fun, I'm not actively looking for anything in the text, though often I'll comes across something in the text that is worthy of a mental note.

My current read: The House Girl

  So, naturally, I've been doing a lot of reading for fun. My friends from high school are all over the place (and in all honestly, I've only kept in constant touch with a few of them) and my college friends - well, they're all over the place too. Some have stayed in Morris, some have gone home, and some have started on exciting summer adventures - none of them are close enough to my hometown to meet up without some planning ahead. Also, as I stated before, I'm using these couple weeks before heading to D.C. as some serious down time. As an introvert, I desperately need it, especially since I'm soon heading to a big internship in a big city! Currently, I am reading The House Girl by Tara Conklin, my second "fun" book of the summer (my first "fun" book was We'll Be the Last Ones to Let You Down: Memoir of a Gravedigger's Daughter by Rachael Hanel, a Minnesota author; I picked up her recently published memoir after hearing her give a public reading from it at The Prairie Gate Literary Festivals, the annual literary festival we have at Morris). I discovered The House Girl in a book catalog that I picked up at the Stevens County Library in December, while I was on a mission to find and check out some movies with a friend. I eagerly looked through the catalog at that time, looking forward to winter break and all the reading time I would have then. An advertisement for The House Girl covered an entire page in the middle of the catalog. I was drawn to the pleasing cover (because, I do admit, I have the terrible tendency to judge a book by its cover), and the title of it suggested slavery or indentured servitude of some sort - it could only be a historical fiction novel, my favorite genre of fiction as the nerdy historian and history lover that I am. Sure enough, I was right - the house girl that the title references is indeed a slave in 1852 Virginia and the story follows her plans to run away, paralleled with a story taking place in New York City in 2004, where a young lawyer finds herself in a class-action suit working to seek reparations for descendants of American slaves. After receiving a gift card from Barnes & Noble in my Christmas stocking, I knew immediately that I had to purchase at least this book with the money. I've had The House Girl since late December, early January and have just found time to read it now; I must say, I'm very much enjoying it.

  I've always loved books, ever since I learned how to read. I've been collecting books since I was in fourth or fifth grade. I have somewhere around 300 books, slowly collected over the years, mostly with gift cards or my own allowance money (back in the day when I had an allowance). Now most of the books that are added to my collection are the school books that I liked well enough to keep. The majority of the books in my collections are children's or YA fiction, but I've been increasingly adding more general fiction geared towards adults as well as the classics, though I buy "books for fun" less than I used to because of my poor college student status and also because I spent most of my year reading books for school. All of these books are real, paper books, if this wasn't already clear. Books you can touch with your hands, feel the pages as you turn them, smell them (my fellow book nerds will understand this), really appreciating the tangibility of them. My parents (yes, my parents) make fun of me for still reading "real books." They have both converted to the (apparently) wonderful world of e-books (much to my chagrin - they, too, have an extensive library that extends throughout our house that I love to borrow from; now they are no longer adding to it because they have all of their books on their clouds, or whatever it's called). My dad tells me it's better for the environment (but that's what used book stores are for and plus, e-waste exists too - though I'm hardly an expert on that). My mom tells me you can save so much money because e-books are cheaper than real books and it also saves space (again, used book stores and Amazon and I don't care about space - a room full of books is my idea of heaven). My mom asked me what I was going to read in D.C. since it would be impractical to pack a bunch of books to bring with me. I said I'd find a library there if I even have time to read and she said, "It would be so much easier if you had an e-reader." Perhaps, but I don't want one.

  See, my problem with the e-reader is that it's just one more technological device that is taking over this already technologically heavy world. For me, a book is an escape from these technologies. I don't want to turn on another device just to read a book. It's ridiculous to me. I don't even have a smart phone (nor do I want one) but I spend enough time in front of a computer screen typing papers for school and communicating with people via e-mail and facebook (okay, just spending too much time on facebook in general), among other tasks that require a computer, preferably one with internet connection. Reading a book allows me some precious moments of simplicity away from this ever buzzing world. I don't think technology is a bad thing - in fact, it can be a very good thing in many different ways. However, I think humans are becoming entirely too dependent on it. One of my friends, who doesn't have a smartphone, told me recently that he was thinking of getting one simply because having a smart device is almost becoming a societal expectation - we went to a conference in January and in an effort to safe paper, the University that hosted the conference offered an online app for attendees to view the conference schedule. This really irked him because all he wanted to do was see the schedule but he didn't have a smartphone and therefore couldn't.

  Me? I'm holding off on these smart devices for as long as possible. There will probably come a day when I'll have to cave and get one given the direction our society is heading. Yes, I may have to buy a smart phone one day, but an e-reader - for as long as real, paper books exist, I'll take those over an e-reader any day please and thank you. I'm not trying to go on a rant against technology here, though it probably sounds like it. All I want is to express how important books are to me and how, in a sense, they lose part of their magic when converted to an electronic format. Well, you might say, a book is a book is a book, regardless of what format it's in. Yes, in a sense - the story doesn't change if you're reading a book on an e-reader after all. It's more the simplicity of sitting down with a physical book that is half the magic of reading, at least to me.

Contemplations on My Meaning of Home

What a beautiful evening. Tonight I am writing to you from my floor's balcony, where I sit with sentimental thoughts for one of the last times. If you aren't aware, I have lived in the same residence hall for three years, which is the entirety of my college career so far. I started out here in Indy Hall as an excited and anxious freshman, ready for a new chapter in my life to begin and I am leaving here as a second year CA, soon to be Hall Director, a completely different person from the one I was when I arrived. Yes, I've complained plenty about spending three years in this building. I was slightly disappointed to be placed in Indy as a CA my sophomore year, but I was also really excited and thankful to be chosen for the job, as it is so competitive. Last year, I was more than a little upset when I found out I was placed here for another year. I'm on the other side of the building from where I was the last two years, but I was still disappointed; I love my CA job and I love living on campus - all I really wanted was to experience living in a different building on campus. It is really unheard of for CA's to spend three years in the same building; in fact, this year during the hiring process, it was made sure that returning CA's were all moved to different buildings, so I'm kind of an oddity in that respect.  When I found out I was hired for a Hall Director position in another building this year, I thought, FINALLY! I knew the Prostaff members who were hiring the Hall Directors wouldn't put me in Indy again if I was hired for an HD position, but it just felt so good to see it in ink. I was so vocal about getting out of Indy earlier this year that it probably got really annoying for the people who had to listen to it (sorry friends)!

Despite my incessant talk for the last three years about my need to get out of Indy, recently, I've been feeling quite sad about finally leaving it. This Sunday, I'll be moving out of David C. Johnson Independence Hall for good and I just don't know if I'm ready for that. Indy has been my home away from home for the last three years; although I know it's time to move on and I'm ready to experience another residence hall, I know I will miss Indy a lot. So much of my college experience has happened here. I've cried here, I've laughed here, and I've loved here. I will create a new home in my new hall next year, but it will never hold that special place in my heart that Indy has. Despite my complaining about living here for three years, I've discovered that I've really grown to love this hall. 

I've been thinking about the meaning of home a lot lately, not just in respect to Indy. I've recently come to the conclusion that I don't really have a home. Sure, I have my hometown where I still go to over breaks, but it doesn't really feel like home anymore. I've spent most of the last three years in Morris, where I attend school, and I spent my summers living with my grandparents in Northern Iowa, where I worked at the museum in their town. So, I think it's only natural that the extended amount of time that I've spent away from my actual hometown makes it feel less homey to me. Furthermore, recently my parents have been doing some renovations to the house where I've lived since I was fifteen; I came home over spring break to completely different furniture in the living room and some changes to the basement also. This only furthered the alienation that I had already been starting to feel towards my hometown. I consider Morris my home now, but I know that's only temporary. A year from now, I will be graduating and then where will I go next? Hopefully to graduate school, but who can say if that will work out. I recently was offered and have accepted a summer internship at the National Postal Museum in Washington D.C. While I'm excited for this amazing opportunity, I'm also really anxious. I'm not quite sure where I will be living or who I will be living with. Also, I'm not a fan of cities. There's a reason I go to college in the middle of nowhere and I must confess that I am nervous about living in a city that I've only been to once before (around ten years ago!) when I've always felt more comfortable in more rural areas. 

Recently I was diagnosed with an adjustment disorder. That anxiety and depression I talked extensively about earlier this year? Yup, that was just  my adjustment order manifesting itself. I don't actually have general anxiety or clinical depression, which I was relieved to find out, but I do have a higher tendency to feel anxious or depressed when I'm going through periods of adjustment. It makes complete sense now that I know this - I've always been particularly sensitive to change (At 15, I did NOT take it well when I found out that my family was moving...and we were only moving around the block!) and I have been worried about my future a lot more lately, as I do only have one more year left of my undergraduate studies.  It's funny that, back in September when I started this blog up, I decided to call it "Letting the World Fall Into Place;" my whole life I've just wanted to know where my future will take me, so much so that it got in the way of enjoying the now. Basically the reason I started blogging was because, after my break up, I wanted to spend more time focusing on the here and now and I thought writing could help me with that. One of the big questions I had while going through the break up process was "What now?" My boyfriend had really been my whole life and when I finally realized I couldn't be with him anymore, I broke down - not so much because I wanted to necessarily stay with him, but because I had no idea where to go next. I had this whole life in front of me without him, and I was terrified. Looking back at this moment, I knew then that I had trouble with change, I just didn't know it could be diagnosed as an actual medical issue. That's why I started this blog and that's why I'm still writing here.

So, to go full circle here in my discussion of home, I've been thinking a lot about these last final days in Indy and how to make the most of them. I'm about to say goodbye to the one place in Morris that I've called home. Sure, I can visit it next year, but it wont be the same. Although I'm excited to move to a different hall, I know I'll miss Indy dearly. It has become my home; where will I call home after I leave it? I don't know if I'll be able to call Washington D.C. home, even a temporary home, because I don't know if I'll truly feel comfortable there. I don't know if I'll feel wholly comfortable calling my hall next year home because I associate that word so much with Indy. I don't know where home will be in a few years after I graduate from Morris and that scares me. However, I also know that I shouldn't have to worry about all those "What Ifs" now. While it is difficult for me to not worry about the future, I am going to try my best not to because this life is too short to spend time worrying. I want to let my world fall into place naturally, but I'm going to have to work extra hard to keep my hands off it as it does.